He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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