Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
