i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Success! We fucked roommates!
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