She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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