I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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