I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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