Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
