so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
