My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
