All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
