It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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