Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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