my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
