I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
