So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
