just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
