Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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