So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize