If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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