This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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