I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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