definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
