Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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