im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
