He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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