He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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