Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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