6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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