mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
