Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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