well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
