ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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