Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
