Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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