Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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