Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I didn't shave. On purpose
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
