You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
