we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
