I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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