I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
