She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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