Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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