oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
