she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
