He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
