I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
