I got chris browned last night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
