also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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