I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
