1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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