I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
