If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
