Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
