I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
