He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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