The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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