I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
