Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
