im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
