we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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